don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
You peed on a flamingo?!?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
