So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
