Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
