I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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