Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize