Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
