if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
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