Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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