I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
