I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I think pants incapable of making pants work
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
