WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
