How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Randomize
