At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
