new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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