The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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