At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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