hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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