I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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