just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I FOUND THE LEGS
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
