Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize