You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
