Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
