checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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