Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
