Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
