he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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