my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
