My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You need a sexual gate keeper
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
