She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
