i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
