apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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