Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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