Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
