the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
