I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
