ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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