I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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