There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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