So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
