Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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