OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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