Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
