dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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