I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
She needs sedatives and a leash
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
