The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize