3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
