im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My underwear smells like fireworks.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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