her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
