I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
