Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
