Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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