she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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