Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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