my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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